Help me; Curious & Confused
Mood:  crushed out
Yes today I stayed home from school. Sad I know because we have basketball practice today and PE!!! And I probably would’ve been on Brian’s team today and the guys are probably going to play basketball today and I won’t be able to because I’m home, sick. Yuck! No fun… I still am really confused about Nick and Brian. I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to go out with Nick (AGAIN!) but a part of me is telling me not to. I have a few reasons that my heart is telling me to stay and go. And if I want Nick I know I can have him. He admits that he still likes me as MORE than a friend but he’ll let it be my choice of course. And right now were just REALLY close friends. I really have a lot to think about. Ok I still think I like Brian. Let me think about it. Ok, here are all my reasons (well at least the ones I can think of…): Nick is a great guy, he really is, but sometimes he can be a jerk. He’s nice to me and a few other people and to the rest he can be an ass hole. I love the fact that he likes me still (as more than a friend), but I still just want to be friends (I think…). I don’t know what I want. It’s hard not knowing how you really feel about someone. I still like Brian and I don’t know who I like more. I don’t know yet if Brian likes me but I don’t want to be taken if I'm going out with Nick during that time. Also, I guess the fact that I know Nick has done drugs that I may someday do something like that and get addicted since it runs in my family. If I ever did that, it would be horror for my family all over again. My life would be screwed, all my hopes and dreams screwed. And all of my friend’s lives would be ruined also. Also, I guess I love all the attention I’ve got lately and all but I don’t know if I should do something different. I'm waiting for the right time when hopefully Brian will ask me out or maybe even I will ask him out. It depends I guess. But I don’t know if I like Nick better or not. A huge thing holding me back from holding on is the fact that I don’t want to loose Nick. I love having him like me as more than a friend. But that’s not fair to him and I don’t want something like that because I love him. Yes I love him, but as a friend love. I would do almost anything for him, as he does for me. He would do almost anything for me, I know because if anyone asks him to do something and he really doesn’t want to do it; he won’t do it unless I really want him to. It’s really sweet and I love that about him. I’m not telling him that I love him. Even that is too personal for me. Someday I do hope that he will tell me, truthfully, that he loves me. Even if Brian ever said that it would mean so much. I can see it in my mind by Nick and how he’d say it. But I don’t know what’s holding me back! Something is telling me I’m making a huge mistake leaving him and letting go. I’ve tried letting go of Nick before, but I never have. I found out last summer that I liked him. I was just playing basketball last summer, practicing, and all of a sudden I just missed him and liked him. This was perfect since we started to become close friends near the end of last year. After that I questioned myself tons, how could I like Nick? I had been enemies with him for such a long time, 4 or 5 years to be exact. It’s all because he annoyed me in 3rd grade when he walked me to my car and he liked me a lot that year. I guess I really like Nick but maybe just as a friend. I’m still really not sure. I’ve liked Brian since the day I first saw him though. But I don’t know him as much as I wish I did. Nick and I have history together. But Brian and I don’t. But it took time for me and Nick so maybe Brian and I need time together. He’s been talking with me lots lately in all classes so maybe he does like me a little bit, or at least we could be friends. Oh I’m so confused. I really don’t know what I want. If anyone can help please tell me what I want! If any of you think I should pick someone over someone else I usually find out who I want by defending them or agreeing. Please give me a reason for your choice. Sorry that it’s such a long message but I’m 12 and very confused. I have so much to say but I do not always know what I’m writing so please help. Thanks for your time ;)